Why I am the way I am!
I keep asking myself, why do I spend, spend spend without thought to cause and consequence? When I purchased my first car, I bought it that night. Rule #1, don’t fall in love with the car you’re buying. Rule #2 don’t go alone, take someone who’s not attached to buying a car or whatever the big purchase you’re seeking.
Recently I let myself get screwed out of $6000. Granted, it’s money I never had and never will see. It was for a business deal. The guy was convincing and I was on the fence. I didn’t know if I wanted the product, but it would be so nice to have an online company so I didn’t have to work for my last year of school, and so I could have a steady income while I was out of the country. I’ll post a separate log about that later.
Recently, I went to my mom’s house. She offered to give me her juicer for Yule/Christmas, and I decided I didn’t need it, because it took up a lot of space that I don’t have and required a lot of cleaning, which i didn’t want to do. When I went to her house, I thought about it again and asked her for it. Typical of my mom, she says here you go…oh and that’ll be $75. “I paid $125 for it, and I figure that would be a good price.” I recently did a Craigslist search for the same juicer, and wouldn’t you know it! Three juicers listed for $25, one for $60 and just today, another for $80.
Why is my mom charging me $75 for a juicer that I could get for 1/3 of that price? Because my mom is a tight-assed bitch! She always has been, and always will be. There’s two things that have always been an ongoing issue: Sex and money! My mom had 3 affairs before she finally left my dad who abused her…not including all of the swing parties and menage et tuas! They would kick us out of the basement, away from the only TV in the house for several hours a couple times a week so that they could “entertain” my mom’s friends.
Going back to money, my mom actually charged me interest for money that I borrowed to buy food or pay for rent when I was 18-20. This wasn’t some nice 3% shit!!! it was more like 15% interest, and late fees if I didn’t make my payments by the 15th of the month! Now, yes, it teaches a lot about responsibility, but when the bank is fucking me and my mom is fucking me, there’s not much left over right? So, when I have money, I want to spend it on things I want not bills, or other shit like that.
I understand that to be a responsibile adult, it’s important to pay for bills. I’m sick of paying bills. I’ve been paying for my food (lunches at school), taekwon-do, and anything else that was extra, such as books, games, music and whatever since I was 15.5. My parents didn’t give me an allowance. My dad didn’t pay me to mow the lawn or shovel the walk, so I pissed him off by going to the neighbors and doing theirs while telling my dad to fuck himself. He thought it was a childs obligation to take care of the house. That’s what his dad taught him, and that’s what he wanted to teach us.
Now, my dad is taking care of my grandmother by supplying her with a pint of hard liquor every day. How’s that for portion control. That’s just what he buys her! Who knows if anyone else is supplying her… I know her caretaker was for a while until my sister found out and got her fired! We never talk about the good things and we always worry about the shit that sucks. Well fuck this shit. I want off this boat. I want new parents. I want ones who will pay $7k a month for me to live in a drug rehab!!! Oh wait, I never started drugs! So spent $7k on my education! Fuck, that would all but pay for my school loans! I have about $60k in student loans at this time, with another year left of graduate school! I don’t see how I’m ever going to pay that off!
Fucking addicts!!!
9-11
We don’t have to worry about making 9-11 a national holiday. It’s been engraved in my mind as an important date. Just like 4-20 I will always think about Columbine, and it’s not a state, national, nor local holiday…unless you’re a stoner. The reason I thought about this was that I looked at the clock and saw 9:11. Instantly, I recollected where I was when I first heard about the crash; when I saw the footage.
My mind also automatically flips to 4/20/1999. What I was doing when I saw the news. I remember thinking that everything was quiet, I thought about the opening of Vanilla Sky, where there was no one on the streets, no one in the restaurant I walked into… it was quiet. Except for the TV broadcasting live from a school about 10 miles from where I was sitting.
I send my love and blessings to anyone who has survived a tragedy, either directly or indirectly.
May we all be free from suffering, may we all find the root of happiness, and may we all be blessed with unconditional loving kindness.
Scared Shitless
Last night my bike broke down. I left my phone at home, and was in the middle of nowhere. I tried to rebalance my wheel, but I don’t really know what I’m doing. I also have no frigging clue how the wheel got messed up in the first place.
That being said, it took me 2 hours to get home, and I had to walk the last 3 miles. It was fun, and exciting, and scary as hell!
I hope you all have survivor moments like those!
Motivation
I don’t feel particularly motivated today. Motivation has been…rather follow=through has been a constant struggle lately. This has been effecting me in many areas of my life, most notably in my health and exercise. I have this loftly goal…to be able to ride 150 miles over a two day period. That sounds great… but what happens if I lose determination and umph? What happens then? I really don’t know. Anyway, things change and evolve. I don’t have much to say on this topic other than I’m losing motivation, and I feel bored.
Mothers…
Just wanted to express how frustrated I am with my mother. I’ve been trying to chat with her for a while. I suppose I could easily call her, but usually when I do, she’s busy. I see her online all the time, because she uses skype and MSN. However, whenever i do try to chat, again, she’s busy.
The most frustrating part about this experience is that I get at least 5 forwarded emails a day… from my mom…who’s always too busy to talk. These are usually the annoying ones that make loud, obnoxious noises, play annoying songs, or have some “inspirational” quote while encouraging you to forward this to as many people as you can for good luck. There’s also the ones that say, “WARNING!!! I’ve researched this, and it’s true…” Often, she also includes that she researched it as well. My mom, who’s too busy to talk on the phone, is off researching some ridiculous virus or scam.
Yes, I have to admit, that many of them are authentic. Such as the latest one I received from her about Jury summons’. Yeah, if you don’t appear for your summons, you can have a fine and a warrant. however, NO ONE IS GOING TO CALL YOU ASKING FOR YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. They are going to send you mail, and if you don’t respond, the police will come to your door and haul your ass to jail… Seriously, if you had any sense at all, you would a) wonder why you didn’t see a summons, b) wonder why you didn’t get a fine for not appearing even if you did forget about it, or c) would be sitting in a nice, cold, concrete 9×9 with a guy named Bubba, and a view that would drive any sane person loopy.
Again, my mom, who’s too busy to talk.
Perhaps I have maternal issues… perhaps not. What I do know is that she spends way too much time doing nothing… which is exactly how I spend my time.
On a completely separate note, about reflection and stuff… i realized why I have an issue with some people in authority positions…or some people in general. In a past post, I talked about a girlfriend whom I broke up with…there is also a colleague whom I’ve been having struggles with, and I’m sure that most of my readers are aware of my teacher dilemma.
Again, they all have a similar characteristic. I don’t feel that my needs are met by these people, and I often feel like they don’t see or listen to me. They often carry their own agenda, which in a relationship is taxing and vastly irritating. It also leaves no room for anyone else to have an experience, to grow or develop, and to evolve. this can be seen as great at times, however, at other times, it’s quite frustrating. Especially when I realized that it’s something that my mom did quite frequently when I was growing up.
As my parents were separating my senior year, I was looking at getting into college. My mom warned me about moving out of state, because my parents couldn’t afford tuition out of state. hell, they couldn’t afford tuition in state. I didn’t have a college fund, and I knew that I was going to be doing it solo. That was my choice. I wanted to go to college, and I wanted the best college I could get into. So, out of the schools I applied to, one of my top contenders, DePaul University in Chicago called me back and invited me to audition. It was one of the top ten drama schools in the country. It was in Chicago. So, I had to go.
I bought tickets, and talked to my mom about the trip. She decided to go, somewhat last minute, but i recall buying her plane ticket. It meant a lot for her to support me. That was the last thing I felt from her during that trip. Instead, I felt pulled in many directions, I felt drained ,I felt discouraged, and I felt like a louse. To top it off, all of the other people auditioning with me came from money. When they said come in tights, I thought they meant nylons, I didn’t know they meant dance tights. Other people had full costumes for their monologues. I had a black shirt and my black non-tights. i felt like a fool, and when i tried to talk to my mom about it, she wanted to go shopping for rocks. When i wanted to chill in the hotel room, she wanted to look for music stores. And when i wanted the Hard Rock drinking glass, she “didn’t have the money.” To say the least, it was the worst trip of my life in the greatest city I’ve been to, yet.
So when people ask me why I don’t ask for what I need, or have difficulty expressing myself to other people… it makes sense to me. My mom was often in her own world, even now, and my dad was asleep in front of the TV. That’s how I remember the last five years of school. They were fighting, fucking, or disengaged from the world. Needless to say, I’ve learned that to get something in this world, I usually have to do it myself.
There have been some exceptions to that, and as I am learning, I can place more trust in some of my friends. Other’s have been there for some things in my life, and others still, well, they remind me of my family.
