Last year I did my taxes. It was such a relief to have my taxes as complete as I could make them by the time the clock struck 00:00:00. I don’t think I will be that on top of things today, partly because I have worked all week, and honestly, I really don’t care that much about my taxes. I realized last year that even though I had my stuff done, I still couldn’t file for almost a full month and a half due to waiting on paperwork. Some of the paperwork, I didn’t receive until after I filed in the middle of February. Ridiculous. We are a nation who procrastinate until the bitter end. Then we get upset with someone who tells us…it needs to happen, it’s not happening, why isn’t it happening, what needs to change for it to happen.

I’ve dealt with this from my employees. They have been so used to things just getting done on their timeline. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who need to do their job and in order for that to happen, I need my employees on top of their stuff. It’s difficult to acknowledge that we are not perfect, it’s worse to request help and even more so scary to request help from someone with power over us. This all points to trauma.

I have come to realize that most of our life is trauma based. We function in a state of hyper-vigilance throughout much of our life. We (humans) are a weak race that has eons of fear ingrained in our genes. Many things spent centuries trying to eradicate us from small viruses to large animals. Our genes are out to kill us (or at least weed out the bad genes and create stronger “us’s”); we are in a process of killing ourselves. Invariably, humans respond to fear differently. Some become irrationally hostile, others collapse. There are those who thrive on fear, or at least have become desensitized to the pressure of fear.

My hope in the next year is that we address some of our fears as a community. That is the core strength of humanity. Community and socialism is what has kept this fragile species alive. Over the next year we need to reconnect with our symbiotic nature and realize that we are dependent on each other, the world around us and those creatures that some consider “lesser”. My hope; that I continue to recognize those who are authentically assisting me and those who do not know differently than to cause harm in my life. I wish for those people to recognize their actions and realize that their intentions are not their impact.

I wish the end of suffering for all life, human and non-human. I want to distinguish that we, in our sense of power often see that, Human/non, male/non, white/non, native/non….and non and non. I am that I am because of what I AM NOT. I cannot be any different; I am because of the pain and struggles of what I am not. I am not a woman and thus I do not understand my wife’s suffering through our pregnancy. I can only see that I am suffering and it is painful. I do not experience the pain and suffering of my clients, because I am not them. I can only experience what they tell me about their life and the things they don’t have or wish they had or want to do differently.

I can see what I have and what I want and realize that they are not in alignment. I am on a path, though I cannot yet decide if that path is the right one for my goals and dreams. I know I going in the right direction and see my destiny ahead. I do not yet see the hills and valleys, detours and off-ramps that may lead me astray. If life were as simple as moving forward, we would all be multimillionaires with several patents. The world economy would not be faltering and we would be doing something different.

I close with this: May we all see that suffering has an end and that we will one day find the happiness that will allow us to feel complete, even for one moment, one breath and recognize that this is that moment without grasping or holding on. If this is our last year together, let us enjoy it while we still can, for this may be all we have. One can hope for an afterlife, a redo, a rewind button…nothing. We live and we die and there is suffering in-between. Those are the only guarantees in life.

This is one of many located throughout the Portland area. Like many similar grills, it is an all-you-can-eat style restaurant with a pit in the middle where they cook your food right in front of you.

I’ve never been to one of these types of restaurants before, and was mildly impressed. I did not notice any Mongolian descent workers (except perhaps the server who was Korean), the cooks and food preps were all Hispanic. There were also few Asians at the restaurant (not a good indicator). The spread was quite interesting, lots of variety in meats, minimal veggies. Some of what I recall is listed below, but the menu changes on a regular basis depending on market prices.

The meat was cut into small slices and flash frozen to make it easy for cooking. The meat is unseasoned and kept at a cool temperature so that it remains frozen while waiting to be selected. I was concerned with some potential cross contamination, though I’m certain they take precautions with their food. (the food line “watcher” was constantly cleaning up). The only issue with non-frozen, raw foods was in their shrimp, which was cool and sitting in water, but not frozen. The cooks prepared all foods for a certain length of time, and larger portions were cooked longer and more spread out.

Many people mixed their veggies and meats while waiting for them to be prepared. C’est la Vive.

Overall, I think it’s a cool idea. I believe that it’s a bit pricey for what you get (especially if you’re like my pregnant wife who is always famished but can hardly complete a full meal in one sitting). Many of the patrons enjoyed large portions of food (mounds of pasta, rice and meat with a few trace veggies), which makes the price worth the bite. For a full 3-course meal, it’s a good fare.

The bathroom was not bad (at least the men’s room, and I didn’t hear complaints from my wife about the women’s). The toilet paper roll was installed incorrectly in the stall and thus impossible to get more than a sheet…so hope you don’t have an emergency. When I went in the second time, there was some paper towel on the floor, but no big issue. They have a trash next to the door so you can open it without worry of icky germs…and hand sanitizer next to the buffet bowls.

After paying you have your option of a fortune cookie (“Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news”), or a big bowl of hard candies (mints, chocomints, butterscotch to name a few).

Healthy all-you-can-eat: Good idea

For those of us who look forward to sharing a meal or taking home the left overs…keep driving.

Another note: the parking lot is on a relatively busy corner with a not-so-clear left turn. Be careful when leaving, as many people like to turn quickly from the 40mph street to the quiet residential street.

Price:$7.95 lunch/$11.95 dinner with significant price reductions for children (somewhere around $3-5 and less)

Hours: check their website, I believe they are open from 11-2:30 for lunch and 5-9 for dinner.

Menu:
price includes soup or salad (they offered hot and sour or egg drop (which tasted like egg whites floating in water)), all-you-can eat steamed rice (very good) or rice-wraps (uncooked egg-roll wrappings that don’t wrap very well), dinner fare (listed below) and ice cream with chocolate or caramel topping.

Dinner
Meats (all but the shrimp were thin sliced and flash frozen)

• Chicken
• Beef
• Lamb
• Shrimp
• Salmon
• Snow Cod
• Imitation Crab
• (maybe some others)

Pasta

• Lo Mein noodles
• Spinach Lo Mein Noodles

Veggies

• Bean Sprouts
• Onions
• Bell Peppers
• Baby Corn
• Water Chestnuts
• Tomatoes
• (Pineapple)
• Spinach
• Carrots
• Broccoli
• (and some others)

Sauces (all mixed with water except the oils)

• Ginger
• Soy
• Salt
• Sugar
• Garlic
• Sesame oil
• Hot oil (?? hot is all I can say)
• Teriyaki, salt, pepper, peanuts and sesame seeds were also available at the end of the cooking line and on the table

Black Swan Official site

Synopsis: A ballet dancer wins the lead in “Swan Lake” and is perfect for the role of the delicate White Swan, but slowly loses her mind as she becomes more and more like the evil twin sister of the White Swan, the Black Swan. (IMDB.com) Nina, an isolated single daughter of failed dancer, Erica is about to hit her break. She has worked her ass off (literally and figuratively) to move up in the competitive world of a single ballet company. Their director, womanizing Thomas, decides he wants some fresh blood in his spot light and fresh tail in his bedroom. As the movie progresses, we become witness to Nina’s depreciating mental stability through visions, self-mutilation, and compulsive behaviors. By the end of the movie it’s difficult to discern how much of what we witnessed was real and how much of the mental stability is a result of her mother’s strange relationship (bunnies in the bedroom?).

Considerations: This is Director Darren Aronofsky’s fifth feature film, and as of yet, all of them have been strikingly rich, dark and intense. This movie is no exception. His use of cinematography portrays both the internal and external perceptions of the characters. The script, well written, expresses the enduring struggle. Though there is some profanity, it’s well written, and well acted to the point that it flows into the dialogue. The most striking aspect of this movie for deciding whether it’s appropriate for you or children is the intense mental anguish of Nina’s character. There are points when the acting out on her part is vivid, intense and violent. The movie is very genuine and authentic regarding the struggles of someone who is going through a psychotic episode.

Review: I would have to say that this movie is Amazing!
Acting: The three main actresses and the main actor took their roles very seriously. Natalie Portman portrayed Nina very well displaying her ongoing mental deterioration, portraying the eating habits, obsessions and compulsions and finally the psychosis. She expressed the confusion and frustration of someone who questions her reality, and finally demonstrates a surrender to her state when she realizes freedom from her suffering. Vincent Cassel, who plays Thomas, was convincing in his role of the director who is trying to create an amazing show while developing beautiful ballet artists. He also suffers from the unfortunate disease of being a lonely male surrounded by “beautiful” women (I put beautiful to denote that this is one portrayal of beauty that I don’t necessarily concede), beautiful women who view him as a god.  Barbara Hershey plays the role of Nina’s mother, Ericka. Another powerfully portrayed character. Mila and Winona played the alternate roles of Nina: the threatening understudy and the washed out predecessor.  Both actresses did a great job performing their roles and supporting the illusion of Nina’s spiral and the competitive nature of performing arts.
Story: As mentioned above, the story was well written. The pieces flowed together showing the history of her mental issues, as well as the historical portrayal of her mother (why her mother isolated her and pushed her into ballet). It starts as the season is about to begin. Beth (Winona Ryder), the primadonna of the dance company is falling out of Thomas’ graces and he’s looking for something new and exciting. He wants to change the way that the ballet is performed by combining the two main roles into one dualistic role. The dancer who takes on this role will not only have to dance the perfect aspects of the White Swan, delicate and demure, but also take on the freedom and seductive qualities of the Black Swan. Nina, who has been dancing all of her life, hopes to be chosen for this role. She doesn’t appear to have the confidence to take on the challenges that the Black Swan will require. As the story progresses, they show the demeaning and often drastic measures that ballet dancers put upon themselves: eating disorders to maintain weight, modification of the shoes to increase performance, at greater risk to themselves, among other constraints that Nina and Ericka put upon her. Lily, played by Mila Kunis, is probably the most underwritten role of the movie. This character is left vague and shadowed to support Nina’s delusions.

One of the main resources they have been stressing is a book called “What color is your parachute” a book from the 70′s that gets a yearly revamp. It is the “all purpose how-to-book for job searching, career development, starting a business, etc”. That being said, the previous 3 years of the book (including the 2011 copy) are not available at the library because all 11 copies are checked out. that means a lot of people are reading this book.

They have also stressed getting off of the internet looking through the 10-15% of jobs that are posted that way and working on your network, friends, colleagues, associates, bosses, human resources reps and whomever you can connect with to tell them you’re looking for a job. Talk about your skills and resources, tell them your interests, and get some business cards.

In the last week, I have done more for my personal business than I have in the past year. I have created two new sites offering different services, created some new emails that hopefully work and don’t show up as spam, and created a linkedIn.com account (the professional networking site that is used by most resourcing agencies, apparently). I have also made some steps to market myself. Hopefully this works. As I progress, I’m going to add some resources to my counseling site regarding job searching. I’m hoping that I catch someone’s eyes.

Be well and if you’re like me, unemployed with bills stacking up, breathe, relax, and do what you can to take care of yourself, because this can be a difficult process.

Two nights of sleeping soundly with my goggles not falling of or into my eye, it has been nice. Unfortunately, the contacct that my doc gave me was not meant to stay in apparently, as i woke up this moring feeling the excruciating pain of having something in my eye. I should have listened and taken it out…but he said that only if it was bothering me. So far its been out for about 3 hours and it’s starting to feel better. The wind from the fansin the house (at work) are drying the eye out, so I have to keep it lubricated. I’ll go back to drops every two hours (of the steroid), which I started reducing to 3 hours last night, since I’d gone a whole day w/o pain.

I ust wish I could see something other than a blur right now. I felt a little sea sick from not wearing the lense, as a result of the astigmatism and blurring. It’s amazing how the brain accomodates for the eyes… I still don’t get it, but as long as my doctor understands, I’m satisfied.

The healing process seems to be going well. I’m not rubbing, although I really want to rub my left eye, which has been getting sympathy pains or something. I’m doing my best to not, Friday I had to because something was in there and it would not come out with drops.

the only other side effect of this is that my right eye has been leaking like a runny faucet and I can’t wash the dry tears and drops from my eye, because iI’ not supposed to use tap water. Yesterday I cleaned it with contact solution… but that didn’t seem to help much.

Just a few more weeks. No inversions but all other yoga poses are ok. No sparring or contact sports…and no swimming. Tuesday I’ll try to go for a modearate bike ride, to the post office or something.

the interview was about an hour long, mostly going over what I had already talked about in my application: experiences, significant leadership roles exp, living alone vs. community/housemate/roommate, being a guest of another culture, and what not. Some wfelt challenging, but I think i did very well, especially since she said:

“We have one spot left for next summer that I think you’d be perfect for, how would you feel about doing work with at-risk youth in Eastern Europe?” The spot is from next June for 27 months. How about that, I have a guaranteed job for 27 months with the government with pid time, and full medical coverage, and some very nice benefits. There is also a $6000 stipend post completion and they would pay for some of my student loans, if they were Perkins… too bad, eh?

anyway, My next step is to “hurry up and wait” for my background check. They will also mail me a package explaining the program expectations more in depth and giving me some documents to complete prior to my official offer. This is mostly medical documents, screening, etc. they want to mke sure they’re not going to send someone to an “infectuous” country who may be susseptible to whatever.

Wish me luck and I’ll post more info as i have it.

anyway, yesterday went pretty smooth. 30 min suregery to cut open the eye and slid in the small plastic devices into my eyes. I was given several drops o nump the eye, and lube the eye, and some other things (infection, etc). i was also given a valium, but was able to take another if needed. i used a lot of meditation and deep breathing. It was more disorienting than painful oruncomfortable. I went home and my eye was a little red, when i got home I was able to see a little more clearly (w/ a 10power lense) and the redness wetnt down. I watched a couple movies cleaned the house and went to bed.

Today I woke up around 5am (about 4 hours earlier than I nromally wake up) feeling this excruciating pain in my eye. i realized that the goggles that they had given me to cover my eye while sleeping had slid off my face oand onto my eye. . who knows how long it was rubbign the eye.

When I rode to the doctor (big mistake, but I felt like I had no other option… although I could have called my dad who was off today…fuck!)  I got to the docs office and felt miserable. my sinus’ were running amuck all day, the eye drops were draining into my sunus giving me that soapy/medicine flavor… woohoo.

When I finally saw the doc, they did an eye exam and seemed to be positive. The doc told me that with the power 10 lense, my vision was at about a 13 diopter (normal vision is 0, most people with mild myopia or near sigtedness havea -3 and my normal vision w/o lenses or intacs is a -19 in that eye. Today it was -13..which is GOOD! He siad that that may continue to change as the eye heals and the lenses take. There is some mild “road rash” on the eye either from the surgery or from rubbing my eye overnight. He said more drops of the steroid, continue lubricating drops and keep them cool to help w/ the pain. he also gave me IB for the eye. and a patch that I tape over my eye at night. at least fora couple days.

I rode again to wokr because my eye felt good (of course… it was numb from more drops… duh). By the time I got to work, my eyes were killing me from the light, and from the exposure to the air. I’ve been sitting here in the dark hating the bright computer screen!

it’s feeling a little better, I’ve been dropping every two hours and it’s been doing well. I think I said that though.

Well, I will continue to write about my experience as the days go by. follow up apt #2 is on Tuesday.

In Chess, it’s all about the pattern, the recognition, to dominate the game.

How does one then work with emptiness while still maintaining enough structure to be effective? Does it depend on the environment, the people within the environment or the relationship between a clinician and client?

Working at a juvenile residential treatment center (rtc for short), they needed a tight container, firm structure and a lot of discipline. The clients also needed a gentle hand as well, and more encouragement than discouragement. Possitive affirmation than negative. That’s something I struggle with a lot…I could pin it on various things, but that’s not important. What is important is the recognition that positive affirmation is something that is difficult for me, like a foreign language. I can be gentle, soothing, helpful, and I can be disciplined…but rewarding positive things feels like a challenge. This is especially true when I don’t feel supported by the team I am on.

I currently work at a transitional living program, usually referred to as a halfway house. We work mostly with clients who struggle with addictions. In many cases, we can recognize addictive patterns in even the most stubborn clients (stubborn in the sense that they don’t “see” their own addictive behaviors). This can probably produce some shame in our clients, pointing them out as flawed or somehow deffective. Treating addiction as an illness seems wrong in some respects; it’s like many mental disorders in that it cannot be cured, but requires ongoing awareness and attention; it requires ongoing treatment.

However, I have strayed from my course. I was talking about form and formlessness, how to bring emptiness into an environment that should have structure. In essence, there is the container. That could be the house, the program, the schedule, whatever. That is the form, the pattern, that hold the main focus and attention for the participants and the program. In that, there can be some flexibility, however to have a successful “container,” a safe program where many aspects of these men’s development can come to fruition, it requires a solid program; a solid foundation.

I don’t see that here. My boss has stated many times that she likes flexibility and organic interactions, but there’s also a matter of safety. The guys feel unsafe, and to be honest, sometimes I feel unsafe being one of the mentors who does hold a tight program. We’ve mentioned tightening up…god knows that it may be necessary this time of year. In the past month, we have had over 8 participants relapse, some of whom are no longer in the program due to multiple relapses.

This program also doesn’t have a significantly high success rate, if success is determined by the number of participants who maintain sobriety after completing the program. Over the past six months, we have had approximately 25% of our “graduating” participants maintain sobriety for longer than a month after completing the program. As time goes one, that number is further reduced.

So what are we doing here? How are we modeling success in this program? How do we continue doing what we do, knowing that in many cases, we are failing. Not only are we failing a significant amount of time, but we are also charging an exhorbitant amount of money for this program.

I realize that I could continue on, and on, and on…. and I don’t really have a point. I’m struggling with my work and looking for guidance. I can’t find it at the supervision meetings i attend. i haven’t found it from my boss, who hardly responds to my correspondences. All I have is my own thoughts, reflections and memories… (yes, a poor representation of Jung’s Memory, Dreams and Reflections).

Ultimately, they wanted their fifteen minutes of fame. They were well aware that society was going to tear their actions apart and talk about them for years to come. They wanted to be the next Unibomber. They wanted to be better than the Unibomber, as was stated in their personal testimonies as well as the initial article. 

The fact that these articles define and then disagree about the psychological diagnoses of Klebold and Harris is tantamount to their claims to “plague the survivors for years to come.” Or whatever they said. 

Reading these two articles rekindled two of my displeasures: the media and clinical diagnosis. 

The first is easy to describe. The media, especially the news sources: newspapers, tv broadcasts, and lately the internet broadcasts, encourages deviant behaviors. They glorify these actions as newsworthy, and rewarding as important. How often do you see information about every day heroes such as the police, firefighters, nurses, doctors, teachers, etc who save people on a daily basis. These people put themselves out for society to insult them, demean them, provoke them, or whatever, until their services are needed. At that time, society kisses ass and the transgressions are forgiven. Working in addictions counseling, I see it every day! Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Oh, I need something, you’re great. (behind your back) Fuck you! fuck you fuck you! I swear, if the media were to portray at least 10% more positive information about cops, they wouldn’t get half as much shit for making mistakes. If the media were to report 10% less information about killings and murders and what not, people would be 50% less likely to commit them, especially to be recognized! The other thing that pissed me off about the media, esp during Columbine was the fact that as people were running out of the school, teenagers and teachers who were going through the shock of what was happening at the school, the reporters were in their faces, cameras blazing asking what was going on? Was anyone hurt? Who was doing this? What’s your name? Fuck the media! Fuck their inquisitive nature! Fuck their desire to screw with people’s lives. If they’re not reporting on a murder, they’re in the celebrities lives fucking with them and their families; they’re ruining marriages, breaking up families, and encouraging murder, rape, drugs, etc! 

The other piece that pisses me off is diagnosis. As these two articles demonstrate, clinical diagnosis is a hit or miss matter of opinion and interpretation. Where one person’s psychopath is another’s sociopath, or narcissist, or whatever! But if you look at the target audiences of the two articles…one can understand the difference in distinction. Yes, the author of the commentary is upset that her work went unrecognized. Good! Fuck you! You’re trying to make yourself popular by idolizing a negative situation! I dare you to write an article about a Narcissist who makes something of their life! Someone who takes their perceived negative qualities and does something positive with themselves. Someone who encourages the good things in life, who inspires hope and creativity. Someone such as John Nash, who conquered the challenges of schizophrenia and became a Nobel Prize nominee and/or winner.

The DSM is a guide, not a bible. What is written is not law, but suggestion. It is designed for interpretation and assisting in treatment. It functions to support the therapist in her or his work with a client. It is not designed to explain or pigeon hole people into groups and categories. For the initial article to claim “this is why they did what they did” is inherently wrong! Columbine didn’t happen because Harris was a psychopath. It happened for various reasons, and it happened because it did!

Now, because of it, and because of our reaction to it’s occurrence, our children are forced to undergo searches, go through metal detectors. People aren’t allowed to visit their alma mater without a verifiable reason and purpose. Harris and Klebold are dead. People are going to research them, and someone may eventually try to copy their actions. We can hope not, or hope that we are better prepared next time. However, studies show that homes with guns are more likely to have accident-related deaths. Anyone can say it’s because people are stupid. This is true… people are stupid. But so is our society. we make assumptions and judgments because of accents, color of someone’s skin and clothes they wear, etc. We are no different than we were 50 years ago; or 100 years ago. We are still fighting a war of oppression and hatred. We are fighting a war of fear and anger. We are refusing to see the beauty in all of the things around us. This causes us to suffer, to be in pain, and to want to bring pain to other people.

Thank you for reading.

Cullen, D (2004, April 20). “The depressive and the psychopath: At last we know why the Columbine killers did it.” Slate.msn.com accessed on 4/7/2009, 3:07am at http://www.slate.com/id/2099203/

Immelman, A (2004, July 30). “Commentary on Dave Cullen’s “The depressive and the psychopath”. Unit for the study in personality and politics accessed on 4/7/2009, 3:07am at http://www.csbsju.edu/uspp/Criminal-Profiling/Columbine_Commentary-Cullen.html

Lamb, W. (2009). The hour I first believed: A novel. New York: HarperCollins.

May we all be free from suffering, may we all find the root of happiness, and may we all be blessed with unconditional loving kindness.