A little bit of something…and everything else

Just wanted to express how frustrated I am with my mother. I’ve been trying to chat with her for a while. I suppose I could easily call her, but usually when I do, she’s busy. I see her online all the time, because she uses skype and MSN. However, whenever i do try to chat, again, she’s busy. 

The most frustrating part about this experience is that I get at least 5 forwarded emails a day… from my mom…who’s always too busy to talk. These are usually the annoying ones that make loud, obnoxious noises, play annoying songs, or have some “inspirational” quote while encouraging you to forward this to as many people as you can for good luck. There’s also the ones that say, “WARNING!!! I’ve researched this, and it’s true…” Often, she also includes that she researched it as well. My mom, who’s too busy to talk on the phone, is off researching some ridiculous virus or scam. 

Yes, I have to admit, that many of them are authentic. Such as the latest one I received from her about Jury summons’. Yeah, if you don’t appear for your summons, you can have a fine and a warrant. however, NO ONE IS GOING TO CALL YOU ASKING FOR YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. They are going to send you mail, and if you don’t respond, the police will come to your door and haul your ass to jail… Seriously, if you had any sense at all, you would a) wonder why you didn’t see a summons, b) wonder why you didn’t get a fine for not appearing even if you did forget about it, or c) would be sitting in a nice, cold, concrete 9×9 with a guy named Bubba, and a view that would drive any sane person loopy. 

Again, my mom, who’s too busy to talk.

Perhaps I have maternal issues… perhaps not. What I do know is that she spends way too much time doing nothing… which is exactly how I spend my time. 

On a completely separate note, about reflection and stuff… i realized why I have an issue with some people in authority positions…or some people in general. In a past post, I talked about a girlfriend whom I broke up with…there is also a colleague whom I’ve been having struggles with, and I’m sure that most of my readers are aware of my teacher dilemma. 

Again, they all have a similar characteristic. I don’t feel that my needs are met by these people, and I often feel like they don’t see or listen to me. They often carry their own agenda, which in a relationship is taxing and vastly irritating. It also leaves no room for anyone else to have an experience, to grow or develop, and to evolve. this can be seen as great at times, however, at other times, it’s quite frustrating. Especially when I realized that it’s something that my mom did quite frequently when I was growing up. 

As my parents were separating my senior year, I was looking at getting into college. My mom warned me about moving out of state, because my parents couldn’t afford tuition out of state. hell, they couldn’t afford tuition in state. I didn’t have a college fund, and I knew that I was going to be doing it solo. That was my choice. I wanted to go to college, and I wanted the best college I could get into. So, out of the schools I applied to, one of my top contenders, DePaul University in Chicago called me back and invited me to audition. It was one of the top ten drama schools in the country. It was in Chicago. So, I had to go. 

I bought tickets, and talked to my mom about the trip. She decided to go, somewhat last minute, but i recall buying her plane ticket. It meant a lot for her to support me. That was the last thing I felt from her during that trip. Instead, I felt pulled in many directions, I felt drained ,I felt discouraged, and I felt like a louse. To top it off, all of the other people auditioning with me came from money. When they said come in tights, I thought they meant nylons, I didn’t know they meant dance tights. Other people had full costumes for their monologues. I had a black shirt and my black non-tights. i felt like a fool, and when i tried to talk to my mom about it, she wanted to go shopping for rocks. When i wanted to chill in the hotel room, she wanted to look for music stores. And when i wanted the Hard Rock drinking glass, she “didn’t have the money.” To say the least, it was the worst trip of my life in the greatest city I’ve been to, yet. 

So when people ask me why I don’t ask for what I need, or have difficulty expressing myself to other people… it makes sense to me. My mom was often in her own world, even now, and my dad was asleep in front of the TV. That’s how I remember the last five years of school. They were fighting, fucking, or disengaged from the world. Needless to say, I’ve learned that to get something in this world, I usually have to do it myself. 

There have been some exceptions to that, and as I am learning, I can place more trust in some of my friends. Other’s have been there for some things in my life, and others still, well, they remind me of my family.