A little bit of something…and everything else

Wow… I just realized I don’t like a lot of our national holidays. We stopped celebrating Columbus Day… why? Why did we stop celebrating Columbus Day when we still celebrate Thanksgiving? It makes no sense! Thanksgiving is a day that honors us enslaving an entire nation of people. pushing them from their homes and making promises that we never intended to uphold. Combine that with Christmas, a day that has many conflicting arguements, and is not necessarily the actual birthday of a “savior” from over 2000 years ago. Why does our nation honor negativity? Isn’t it ironic that Christmas just happens to be a few days after the Solstice? Isn’t it also ironic that Easter, the opposing holiday honoring Christ’s death is a few days after the Equinox? That is more easily explained, because it happened shortly after Passover, which just happens to occur around the equinox. He was the sacrificial lamb. He was the world’s scapegoat.

I don’t understand my irritation and resistance to celebrating these times. It’s a time of year when everyone tries to forget their past transgressions and move on into the future. Everyone asks for forgiveness for their past deeds and ancestors past deeds. Give thanks to those who brought us into this world… And I often feel guilty because I always think about the negatives behind the holidays. I think about the inquisitions, the enslavement, the capitalization of other’s efforts. And I also think about my own greed as a child. I think about all the times I was unhappy that I didn’t get what I wanted, or my gift didn’t cost as much as my brother’s or sister’s. I also think about all the things I’ve asked for over the years knowing that I couldn’t get it for someone else if they’d asked for it. Yet I still asked for it. Every year, I tell people not to get me anything, and I still feel that twinge of irritation when I don’t get anything. That burst of jealousy. And the guilt at not buying something when I do get a gift.

We are a nation built on wanting. The only things I wanted to ask for, I feel I don’t really need. I don’t need a new microwave or a new blender. Mine work just fine and will last the 6 months or so until I move out into a new home, hopefully a community living space that has a microwave and blender. A space that has the things I need to survive.

I don’t want any more books, because I’ve gotten rid of most of mine. I don’t need more music, because I get most of mine from the library. I don’t need computer games because I waste too much time playing them as it is. I don’t need anything for my car because I want to sell it. I don’t need anything really. And I want even less. I want my family to call me. That’s all I want for Christmas. I want my family to call me and ask me how I’m doing. I want to feel connected to them, not feel like I’m a cancer that they want to get rid of, but their brother and son.

And the best way for that to happen is for me to also call them and engage. To say thank you. To say i love you and mean it.

This is a transcript of my flag meeting. It took me a little over two hours to do the mediocre job that I did accomplish. I’m still irritated about some of the things that were stated.. and did notfeel heard by the people deciding for me. I have to admit that although I disagreed with the decision to take a LOA, I am gaining something from this time. I hope that it’s worth the pain and agony that I’ve been experiencing. Thoughts, Ideas, reflections are always welcome. (actual running time, approx 72 min).

LC: Set the stage for a bit. (Flag meeting, and introductions)

MJ: Here as JF’s faculty member

JF: Person

JH: Faculty administrator

CV: JF’s support

JH: transcribe and explain recording process and transcription. If the recording failed, you can read my attempt at transcription

MM: not able to attend.

LC: basic idea is to take a look at whats going well appreciate, etc. and what cares or concerns. What attention may need to be presented. Contract usually comes up. That’s how we’ve arrived. Would you like to say anything before we begin?

Maybe we could start with you. How’s it going, how do you feel, what are your concerns.

JF: Um. (pause) I guess things I feel good about. I’ve definitely over the past two years I’ve struggled with writing styled and communication styles. Communicating my needs and addressing the feedback I’ve received. I’ve been working with writing more clearly, how I’ve been learning, the dynamics of the prinicples I’ve been taught. I’ve been working with a clinical tutor to address what’s going on, where I’ve getting stuck and where I’m not getting.

LC: Let me make a clarification for the record. Clinical tutor is a term we use for the third year of the program, are you referring to your work with LS

JF: yes? I don’t know how else to describe it.

LC: You’re being tutored in clinical work?

JF: Yeah, Clinical skills tutoring? Of some kind.

LC: yeah, it’s a class, that’s all I wanted to say.

JF: sorry, I lost my thought. (feeling irritated. Thought: what’s the point of that interruption?) I also realized in the last set of process notes and the video process for TR that I’m noticing a lot of criticism both in the session and also after the session. I’ve become really harsh and judgmental about the session and notiicing “how crappy is that.” I’ve had a lot of difficulty giving myself constructive feedback about the process. And I’m also think I’ve been hearing a lot of criticism, and not so much the contructive piece.

MM: indiscernable. Apologies.

JF: really noticing how critical I am, and resistant I get when I feel that it’s coming acrss and not hearing what’s being addressed. Something that I’m still working with. Um. I’ve also noticed this past semester that I’vebeen really critica of my classmates and cohort and pushing them away and not asking for suport and not recognising the suport I’ve been receiving from them. I think I need more support.

LC: sounds like from the way your talking that you’re noticing a lot. You’re awareness arouond certain areas, such as how criticla you are, when you feel like your being criticized your more resistant. Not hearing what your feedback is. It’s becoming more apparent to you. And your cohort. Critical has come up several times. Relationship with your cohort. We’re in a situation that could result in a critical situation. Maybe we can work together in the moment. Sense of I’m being criticized as you’re hearing things do you take them and turn them into cricism. You could try. Indicern. Okay so, uh. In along with that, I’ve been working with feedback. I’ve been resistant but I’ve been workign with it as much as I can. Is that the jist of it?

JF: yes, I think so.

LC: what do you have to say about what you see him doing well, what needs work?

MJ: I’ve seen him do a session personally. I’ve also heard from the CSP’s and process notes. There seems some times when you can stay fluid and relaxed with your own process. There is an internal fluicy and a warmth and connection that comes through when you are able to stay with that. But one, and.

LC: let’s pause. I can imagine you’re sensation. What did you hear is going well?

JF: when I’m able to relax in the session in the moment, I’m definitely am connected and have a lot of inner strenght and quality. You used the term fluency which really settled and resonated. Oh yeah, fluency. I’m thinking of spanich and how difficulty it is to communicate when Im not fluent.

LC: also I heard the word warmth and openness.

MJ: those are clear. The thing that is concerning to me and partly, out of my role as faculty and someone who I have a care for, which seems to me a tremendous anxiety. You tend to get overwhelmed by something. That anxiety is when the criticism comes into play. That tends to get you wound up. When that happens, you can lose touch with what is happening, that intuitive emotional connection disappears. You lose that I’ll use the last process notes, you’re client mentioned “I’m scared” and you’re response was, I’m not hearing any emotions. So you’re obviously missing something that’s right there. In those moments, you commented that the clinets may sense that and they try to take care of you. That becomes the main sense of the theme and you are self conscious about and are tracking. You become wound up and it seems difficult for you to break out of that.

JF: my anxiety has definitley come up with my work with LS. As far as my concern, I’m continuing to work on that.

LC: is what MJ said recognizable to you, what did you hear that he said?

Jf: I def heard that um some sort of overwhelm or anxiety leads to a disconnect and a lack of awarenesss of what’s really happnening in the moment. Cosing off in the connection with my client and internallzing what my thoughts are and what the clts saying. Internalizign as more judgement toward myself.

LC: Is there aything you would disagree with?

JF: pause. Everything seemed clear to me.

LC: what I’ve heard is that as the anxiety arises, to a high enough level of intensity you get lost in a lot of thoughts, internal thoughts. Quite critical of you. That’s where you ar elost in some sense. To the detriment of your client. So that seems to be the area of concern. How to support you in working with your anxiety so you can stay connected and in relationship with a client. Is that a fair frame here.

MJ: I think also looking back on some of the other pieces of feedback that you’ve also worked with.

LC: (check in w/ JH about where she’s at with typing)

JH: theres a couple things that we do when we put together a flag meeting. MM contacted all of your professors and asked them if they had anythign that they would like to address at this meeting please let me know and a couple ppl contacted me. A couple instructors left me some information that they wanted to be passed on. And I think I didn’t read what this is, but the two folks that came to me had very positive things to say. I don’t know if that’s maybe part of what MJ was going to talk about. Here are things that you have gotten feedback and are working with.

LC: I think this is something that adds to it, and we should include. This is from Karen:

KKW: Josh has been speaking up in class. He shows both curiosity and understanding of the material. He’s been increasing willig to reveal his struggles in working with the sttuggles. This is an inevitable task for my path. in wanting to reach to other studetns. He is presenting himself as more ordinary as opposed to more than or less than the rest of the group.

LC: that was Karen, the next is from Grazia DiGiorgio

GD: Our interview process is very thourough. He made an excelent impression. And was one of our top choices. He revealed a professionalism, we evaluate professionalism, appearance, clinical skills, boundaries, and how they relate with diversity awareness. A lot of ppl struggle with the question of diversity awareness. He responded to the question with a warm human qualitity expressing that he struggled with DA and was continuing to work with it. We will continue to hold his spot until we hear the outcome of this meeting.

LC: ?? Good, I;ld like to hear about these things.

MJ: I’ve been thinking about the feedback you heard the first year. Soemtimes feelign that you neeedd to write from a place that you’re not really at. And you’ve been working better at where you are at. Not fucntioning as a teacher or a jester to your classmates and more as “one of”.

JH: the two ppl that came up just spoek to me. Youre small group leader came up to me yesterday. Matt Tomatz

MT: Over the last year and a half you’ve really shown up and diong a good job of shoing up and talking about what’s going on for you. Talk about difficulties that you’ve been working with. Good connections with your classmates and that you have a lot of ppe wanting to support you. You’ve been working with your habitual tendencies in some ways that you do whatever it is in your group.

JH: I heard from Ernie and Ryan

ES&RL: You are working really hard in RS really applying yourself in class working too hard is one of the comments. Asking a lot of good questions and a lot of good thoughts you are participating well in lcass and thigns are going really well in there.

LC: I definitely think you should come back and listen to this portion of the tape. You have anything to say?

CV: Definitely, in the past, just this past year, I’ve seen you really open up and making yourself more volnerable. And having acceptance and not just someone who has to take care of the cothor. Someone workng with setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. In the anxiety, I’ve also seen you really work with that with Sue and say, I can’t hear this right now. I have a lot of confidence that you can totally work with, and it will be a challenge. But you seem to have quite abit of perseverance and work with it right now.

LC: lots of voices that are in an actively engaged learning process. You are involved in relating with yourself. I don’t quite know how to frame it. That pattern of habituality and other things are increasing level of wawreness. Perseverance is going to get you through. All of those sorts of reactions are eveidnece that you have an actively engaged learning process. Conerns about arising of anxiety and disconnect from clients. We have you in a point in the program where you’ve accepted an internship and that’s the next step in the program. And we have to figure out if it makes sense or not. I’m interested in what you think about the whole question of anxiety and such, given your level of anxiety and working with clients. Does that make sense?

JF: I’m trying to check in to make sure that I heard what was said and um. The thought that keeps coming up in my own therapy this past semester, and the end of last semester. Financially I’ve been unable to continue working on therapy. That’s defnitely one the things I feel is important. Because of my work with LS, I was also unable to work through that. Meditation and working through it is not enough at this point.

LC: You have a core energetic pattern here. Prob arose pretty early and reinforced often since it comes up so quickly and so intensely. To me these are the char of early trauma. You have a char of evading that energy which is problematic. I would agree with you that though some of what you are doing is helpful, that more is needed. Have you been working on this in past therapeutic situations?

JF: mostly what we’ve worked on is depression which is the end result of the anxiety.

LC: it’s good that you’ve been able to recognize the flow of energy. For some reason you saw that as more problematic, however, in this context the anxiety is more problematic.

Jf: I think this is the 1st time in my life that I could see, I always saw dep as the main issue. I always viewed the anxiety as my normal work load. Me staying occupied.

LC: you are saying that now you percieve anxiety as something, where before you saw it just as how you were?

JF: Yeah. I dn’t think I know where to go from there. (at this point, I’m feeling somewhat timid. Perhaps somewhat guarded. I’m avoiding talking about clinical issues.)

LC: I think that’s the question. A few quesionts. On is how do you go forward with working w/ anxiety, which is more prom than depression. But how can you find support in that and what ideas do you have with that? And does it make sense to continue to an internship at this point in time given right now, how it arises for you and what happens in relationship with the client. Is it fair to the client?

MJ: one of the things I didn’t mention is how you are working with work load. Working with putting so much on your plate. Your roles at your job. Sounds like you’ve made some adjustments to help with that. How would this be interms . If you were in internship would you be over your head? Would you get to learn that mastery, what you are suppoed to learn at that internship experience?

LC: I wonder whree you are? Do I want to do this, go forward. Would it be better for me to continue or take a year or whatever from studies.

Jf: my heart says to go forward. I’ve come this far and I’ve worked this hard. And I’m still working on a matter of issues. I’m staying with it. I havent shut down. I’ve thought, just quit.

Lc quit this/

Jf: a lot of things tkd, school, work, when that comes up I as kmyself, what can I cut out that’s not a loss. Looking at my internship. Looking at my fin situation I’m feeling okay. It’s a first time in my life where I’m able to cut back hours and not have to worry so much about where I am. I was looking at a flyer the other day and how I could integrate the paramita campus and the other three campus and connect them.

Lc: one sentence really stood out for me. What could I give up without a loss. Clearly it’s nothing. But I don’t’ think hat means… what sanity might be revealed in the quit this quit that process?

JF: mumbling… releave some pressure. And uh. What I’m hearing is fear of failure. And, to me it feels irrational. I’m having diff hearing any other sanity pieces.

LC: if you quit anything you would fail.

Jf: pause. That doesn’t feel right.

JH: I’d like to say something and this may not be the right time. We’ve met several times this semster and a couple times over the last two years. And you’ve come to me a couple times, what if I just left. What if I transferred to tcp. Recetnly. The feeling that I had was that it would be easier for it to be your choice to leave than to be told to go. When you said fear of failure was what would be the worst. You[‘re taking yourself out of the mix before giving you that harsh judgment.

JF: we had talked about that in group friendships and pushing someone away before being rejected.

LC: we are talking about why your anxiety comes up. Hearing that you can’t do somehting. It would be hard to make that choice, I think. But what I’m also hearing that you are living your life at some level of anxiety. Some how we’re syntonic for you. Living your life at a high level of anxiety. We are in a quandary.

MJ: I also have a thought of your notion of quitting may help you in feeling some level of what we are talking about. What is in the room is not quitting. It’s taking a break. If you were to choose this, what’s wrong with me. But it’s not about abandoning or completely bail. It’s about managing and what can be extended here and what can I reconsolidate over here.

LC: quiting would be an extended period of time. Wanting a relief from pressure. Your whole life you’ve been feeling a lot of pressure. It allows everyone unexplored realms for you to begin to manifest and do differerntly in relationship. Part of whats needed to happen here in the connection part. For whatever reason the stress is raised, subject of client gets to your survival issues. You’re not able to relax enough. To cope with the degre of stress to really be in a relationship. That’s where it feels like it disconnect w/ clients. At some point we all disconnect as therapists. But right now, given the degree to which you are doing is is um. I think, uh, it would be preferable for it to be less frequent than it is. For internship.

MJ: it seems somehow that you have been working effectlively in the counseling aspects. Youre work w/ LS is showing, but in where we the situation of only to do that or thx, that has gotten ahead of the therapeutic aspects. Where if you stay relaxed you can really show your stuff. But how you stay relaxed it needs work. And so that’s where the timing piece where you had more time to bring the other aspect forward, I could only imagine hwat would com together for you.

JH: I hear you talking about tim,e and I hear Josh saying he does not want to take a break. Internship starts after students arrive, and I’m wondering what could happen between now and august. That’s a big time.

MJ: I’m thining in terms of therapy that it may not be that large of a chunk. I’m thinking about my own therapy, what really happens in five omnths. I’m not to say one month or one session a lot can happen.

CV: I’m wondering how that fits for you to extend it?

JF: (it’s hard listening to this now… I can only imagine that at this point I think I was crying and feel like a child. Listening to these words, I feel small). Um.. It doesn’t feel like kindness. When we’re talking about extending I’m hearing no. I’m feeling really defensive and again that thought I’ve come so far and worked so hard. Maitri coming up, Imy intnetion is to conintue therapy whe we get back. When I said cutting things out, I meant extending other things and pushign other things back.

LC: extending how? How would that look?

Jf: not focusing so hard on tkd. There is a tourney coming up this week. I would be training 5-6 days a week. I set this aside and said not right now. Setting boundaries with other things in life. I’m able to say no… that’s not where I’m at right now.

LC: I think where we are in terms of timeliness. A clear statement from you is that you want to go forward. And questions from MJ about an elongated time and how that would look. And for a moment I’m going to step out of my facilitator role and into my teacher of TR I role. I say this that it’s quite out dated. You’ve been several months out of TR I I feel that MJ Sue and maxine have a clearer picture of where you are at. My impression from TRI is that you need a longer time frame. I want to put that out there. What I saw then, knowing that it may be outdated, that if you took a year or more it would be better. To work with yourself to work with yourself. How would you, not that that’s what’s going to happen. I’m the faciliator and not making that decision for you. Clearly that’s a hard thing for you to want to choose. Do you want to make another statement.

MJ: I’ve been following the situation closely. Each situation that you are actually in. and I think a couple thoughts. One: thing that concerns me maybe espec strongly that in some of the situations that comes up, that you not only lose touch with your clients, but you also lose touch with how the session went. Your first line in the final paragraph the session went well. When amxine and I read it that there were good aspects. But there was a lot that you know has been ocnsistent with what we really talked about. If you were to have said, I felt really anxious about what was talked about that this would be at a different place with your abilityt to reflect about your own work. And I don’t see that. That also happened with Sue in that I think you were going to say how it went, and she interrupted you because it’s not how I saw it. That’s’ a different level of just the work itself and it feels that you’re catching up but you haven’t really been able to have a TRI or TRII that you haven’t been able to take in. You’ve not been able to be there enough for prep for internship. In a lot of ways I feel really hopeful but when LC asked how youre feeling about internship. The first thing on your mind is tx. And I feel like I suppprt that. On myside of things, having therapy on both sides, I think it’s unfair to say and put that pressure on you because you have less than five months. I see you, this would be diff. If I felt that you just dind’t have hope. There’s a lot of hope and str that you bring I want to see that happen. I don’t think that would happen if you (didn’t take time off). We are talking about you going on. I’m don’t advise you going on right now.

Pause.

Long pause.

LC: theres something that s bringing up a lot of saddnes for you.

Pause.

Another long pause.

JF: I don’t think I can. Pause.

LC: you have (somehting) speak.

JF: what comes to mind. Support. I hear that you both are saying as far as personal assessment in sessions and how can I ask for support in this situation. And what does that look like?

LC: I just want to say this, because I didn’t quite say it this way, and what resonnates for me is that if we thought, If I thought that you couldn’t do this, it would be a whole different meeting. We’d be asking you to leave. We’re not doing that, it never occurred to me to do that. But I do feel that you need more time for development. And extended period of time. And I see that for whatever reason you don’t want that. It would be very hard for you getting this kind of feedback right now.

Pause.

So, we only have about 12 more minutes. I think we need to cut this off. My ideal would be that you would say, yes,I hear your advice. I’ll take a leave of absence and we could talk about what would we do during that time and would really support me to come back strong. That’s now what you’re saying and so that’s not the direction we’re going to go right now. On the other hand, we’re not saying yes, your clear to go onto internship because we have these concerns that have tno been completely addressed. So the only thing that comes to my mind and I’m open to suggestions. Is that we come up with some kind of contract that you’e going to do whatever it is over the course of the next four months and then we’re going to reevaluate. How we would do that we will have to decide what the reevaluation would be. At that point make a decision about you are clear for internship or not. It’s a little like pulling a bandaid off slowly to me. Potentially, it puts you in an ongoing state of anxiety with an indefinite outcome that could be all the more devistating than it would be now. That’s one framework for how we could go forward so to speak now.

JF: the question that came to mind, I didn’t speak it clearly was, um. If I were to take a LOA, what. Would be the support. It feels like me doing this work. And taking a year off and what really comes up is where I’ve been and where I’ve came from and not feeling support in my family and that feels really heavy right now.

LC: It makes such perfect sense to me that kind of core pain is getting in the way of yoru life and relationship would be reinacted here. And this situation would make that pain all the more visible for you to hopefully grow so that it isn’t a much of a negative impact. To lose youre whole famiily that is a huge amount of loss. That is part of I think your anxiety. What support could you get? What agreements could you make with your classmates? Could they meet you once a month? Certainly having a therapist. I don’t know if you journal? Is this like it was then? A place of familiarity. TKD is some version of working with energy and expressing energy, and mastering, and meditation certainly. And its all relational. It’s relational support. How can we structure relational support. You would know best how we could make a clearer package of that support.

JH: something else I think that I’m hearing and having seen youre river presentation first year, and taking to you about your bg and part is not just your cohort and external resources, but what can you get from the core faculty, the people in the parental role. And maintaining those connections.

MJ: you’re not just cut adrift, you dn’t even need to be outside of the program. You’re reheld in some way, come to office hours, expressed invitation. Keep you going. It’s a different situation. We’ve been talking to someone whos still on loa and those relationshipsare till viable. It’s not like you’re just cutoff from the cohort. We’re reinforcing that. There’s things we can do to get you connected to the next cohort, such as joining the large group. Small group. What I hear is that theres a certain level of (indicern) somhow in a dif sit from your cohort. That’s right on the table. The part that you can receive support. We can really work to keep you plugged in.

LC: I’m making a guess here. Is that you have had to take an overresponsible I can do it attitude. That’s been pretty harmful to your being that feels deeply that feels vuln. That needs care and wants support in your life. We’re going against a lot of core defenses that has helped you get where you are. My hope would be much as this loa may add more pain, the end result may be more freeing.

CV: I could see a challenge coming about the embarassement about taking a loa and wanting to connect. (indicern).

Lc: hearing this for the first time it’s hard to take in. take some timeframe to make a decision. If you want how can we support that. If you don’t want to take a loa, what needs to happen. We’re not saying that you can go on at this point and that would have to be shown.

MJ: We have a couple things, first in about 20 minutes or so, we want to help you set up whatever frame of mind can help you go trhough your final interview. I wonder about that. You’re also turning in your video. We have a few more pieces here. We can leave it open at least for a few more days.

JH: what about after Maitri. We could reconvene and make a decision at that point.

MJ: what does gracia’s timeframe?

LC: if you know right now, and can say right now, there’s no way in hell I will leave. Check with gracia and see her timeframe. Or if there’s a posibility that you would consider a LOA get a timeframe from GD.

JH: MM could get a decision from Gracia in that it doesn’t have to be you.

LC: My first thought is for you to talk to her. But there’s other things too, unless you odn’t want to. If the student came to talk to me they’re taking responsibility for the situation. So. Contact who? Come into office hours. And we’ll talk to each other. We could be thinking about scenarios.

JH: I’ve seen ppl at this point have a contract, or not. It’s not uncommon for studnets to enter the 3rd year. And have contracts that worked through over the summer with the cohort that they’ve started with.

LC: I guess the thing to consider is that how you’re thinking and feeling about the decision about your patterns. Seek the thoughts and feelings in your emotional experience and coping mechanisms. Thank you.

CV: what do you need right now to get ready for that?

End tape.