So… Through this next year I’m really trying to examine my habitual patterns. By examining, I can determine which are beneficial and which are not. Through this examination, I can find which patterns led to the current situation I’m in, most specifically school. I think some of them also speak to my financial and work situations as well.

The most obvious pattern that I’ve been able to pin point is my victimization. I’ve often taken the stance of being the victim. In the situation with school, I felt as though I was being targeted by the professors. I couldn’t explain why they were giving me such negative feedback, especially considering my extensive background in this field. I’m going to avoid going into the various examinations of the situation, as they justify and excuse the situation, furthering the victim role. This is neither beneficial, nor useful in this examination. Instead, I’m going to examine how I developed this pattern.

For various reasons, my siblings were taught and held the belief that I was unable to fend for myself. I was the baby, and my parents both worked. I was in day care longer than my brother and sister, and often rejected by my grandparents “due to my age” (as my parents often explained to me). I was constantly given excuses why people viewed me as helpless. Through that process, I developed a big mouth, often creating messes that I was unable to clean on my own (i.e. 3 eighth graders chasing me from the bus stop to my home), leaving either my brother or sister to clean it up. I can honestly say that my father’s irrelevant stance toward my education, unless I was getting C’s did not help. I did not receive praise or recognition for my good grades until I started in Taekwon-Do. Then I got positive incentive, as well as negative recognition when I didn’t meet the standard.

This process of negative attention being the primary source for nourishment from my family was potentially the primary catalist for this pattern; directly and indirectly. This directly effected me because I did not know how to gain attention from my family, feel their presence, or feel as though I was seen, heard and felt. It was the only way I could feel human. Often, especially after things took a turn for the worse (my mother had her second affair and my father lost his job, therefore losing the house, this happened between 3-4th grades). It was also around the time that my vision also began to deteriorate. The indirect effects are easier explained through the patterns of violence/aggression. When I was rejected, I began to have doubts about myself. through the excuses my parents gave for other’s lack of ability, and my “rambuntiousness, hyperactivity, and aggression” they were unable to care for me. This developed ideas that I was not good as who I am. Therefore, I began making excuses for myself…and other people.

This effectlvely leads into my pattern of being the caretaker, which is a passive way of victimizing ourselves. I often find myself over-extending my resources by helping others, agreeing to take shifts that I either don’t want or don’t have the ability to take on. This pattern was developed around the time I was eight years old. My father came home in a rage about my mother, threatening to kill her. I didn’t know what was going on, but I loved my mother and didn’t want my father to kill her. I was afraid of my father, because he was reactive, and very aggressive. He had often spanked us (so did our mom), and threatened to lock us in our rooms, leave us places, or various other things that I think he got from the army, but also from his parents. Even though I was afraid of him, I was more afraid for my mother. Again, I didn’t know what she was doing to make him mad, but I didn’t think it warranted her death (I still don’t, but that’s beside the point). I then became my mother’s surrogate spouse; a term defined I believe by Virginia Satyr (or someone else before her) as a child that takes on the emotional or “spiritual” role of the parents partner, often acting as an intermediary or confidant. Many times I’d console my mother, talk to her… or listen about her problems with my father. That was when I first learned to be a counselor. However, you should never provide therapy to your family members, especially as a child. All I wanted to do was see my mom happy; then I believed that things were not “good” when not everyone was happy. I didn’t think my father had the capacity to be happy… but I also didn’t see his pain and suffering, nor did I want to see it.

The third pattern, and the last one I’ll discuss today, has to do with follow through. The first major choice I failed to follow through with was theater. My senior year of high school, everyone believed I was going to go into theater. My father constantly tried to talk me out of it, because there wasn’t any money in it, and he didn’t feel I was good enough to succeed. My mom held similar views, but didn’t express them as openly; I think it was more passive aggressive (another pattern I’ve developed). After some serious rejections from some of the top theater schools (i graduated with a 3.8 and scored a pretty decent score on the ACT’s), I fell into a slump. I didn’t want to go to the local Community college as my brother and mother had done, and I didn’t feel as though I would be very successful in theater. About a year into my AA, (after finding a way to get in), I decided to change my major. I didn’t want to do the work to succeed in theater, even though I was really good. I don’t think I was strong enough to deal with the rejection, and from hearing from my family and teachers that I wasn’t good enough (my hs choir teacher actually told me I sing better when I’m sick) for several years, I decided it wasn’t my life. I didn’t realize, at that time, that college was much different than high school and the professors actually wanted you to succeed… and encouraged failure as a developmental tool. (can you hear the victimization?… oi!). Anyway, I opted to major in Psychology because I wanted to solve the problems of my family. I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to crack the code. I wanted to evolve.

At that time, the only thing I’d really stuck with for longer than a few years was Taekwon-Do. I didn’t participate in sports, and the best thing I did for my body was ride my bike; that was until I got a car and pretty much drove everywhere. However, I was still going to Taekwon-Do. Even that required a lot of perseverance. When I was going through the Blue/Red belt transitions, and being thrown back to the back of the class, I spent several months not going to class… but instead playing in the back room with another classmate (who never got past his red belt by the way). After missing a couple tests due to my absences, my instructor talked to me about my attendance. He then had me start assisting him with the junior class (white through green belt). He had me stand in as the high ranking senior, to give the the feelings of authority and recognition that I was seeking, but also giving me something to occupy my time, because I often came early anyway to get out of the house.

Hmm… I never really looked at it that way.

So, these three patterns: victimization, caretaking and quitting, have been quite effective in stagnating my life, putting myself in difficult positions, and not recognizing when I need help. I also don’t often see how I need help to ask for it. Lately, especially over the past few weeks, I’ve been asking for help more frequently. I see these patterns as habitual in my life, and I’m working at correcting them or seeing how I can make them helpful. There is wisdom in their application, but ultimately, they are the undeveloped resources of a child, and are unsuitable for an adult. They do have their applications, but not as a primary defense mechanism for living in the world.

There are times when we do play the victim role, and we have to discover how to do it with dignity, respect, and understanding of both our position and the position of those who abuse us. That’s why I’m examining the role I played in my relationship with LW. Being a caretaker definitely has its benefits, both in the field of psychology and theater. There are times when we are going to need to advocate for our clients, and it’s going to have to occur spontaneously, and without reservation. There are also several missed opportunities in the theater when we don’t step in to take care of someone or something (for example in Phantom of the Opera, Christine often practiced the lead roles, and because she did, she was noticed and suggested for the role by her friend). Lastly, quitting. It’s important to know the difference between quitting, taking a different route and not doing those things.

The most significant example of this dynamic occurs with the element of wind. Wind is everywhere and occurs around and within everything. It facilitates in the movement of water, it can often propel us along our path, or it can provide resistance, informing us to slow down and take it easy. However, the wind constantly makes a choice when it comes across an obstacle. Sometimes, it moves around it, creating a swirl, up (and down) draft, and creating more weather (this would be a redirection/avoidance). Sometimes it changes direction completely, shifting the momentum quickly and effortlessly (I would term this quitting). Other times, the wind picks up energy and blows through the object, sometimes destroying, but always changing the object (forcing a change in balance/counter-balance, encouraging development for more reliable material, etc). Each of these “choices” causes a significantly different result. As we have witnessed this past year with the several hurricanes that have affected the United States this past year, we have changed how we view nature, community, family and preparation.

I will continue to work on the resolution of these patterns while also seeking more patterns. Through the process of examination, reflection and analysis, I hope to determine which are helping me, and which are ultimately unhealthy in their current expression. Regardless, there was a reason I adopted them, and although they may be prohibiting my development, they also kept me alive through the past 30 years.