Karma…the other family tree
As most of my readers, friends, etc are aware, I’m taking a leave of absence from school. Recently, I sent out an email informing the rest of my friends, family, colleagues, and associates. Most of the responses have been, “how can I help/support you?”
My father called yesterday. He started off talking about our eye doctor who has been pulling us both through the ringers seeing testing our resolve, or just our pocket books. After a brief pause he asked, “So what’s the deal, you giving up on school? How long are you giving up? Are you going back?”
I was shocked. What do I say? The first thing that ran through my mind was how did he find out? Did I send him an email? Did my siblings tell him? What does he know? How much sanity is in those thoughts? It sounds defensive, neurotic, habitual, and insecure. Why do I have those gut reactions to my family?
Needless to say, I was pissed off at him. I’m pretty certain that I sent him a copy of the email. In it, I detail, briefly, that I’m taking a year off. I don’t go into detail suggesting that if they’re really curious to contact me. In essence, I want to see who’s on my side and who’s going to “shame” me for my decision. Sadly, I have not heard any other responses from my siblings. My mother sent me an email saying that she forwarded an attached flier to some of her friends in Denver. She’s also been looking at spiritual groups and people who live in her area, so we can plan something the next time I visit.
Seriously, the most supportive question he can ask is, so you’re giving up. Quiting. Failure. Unable to hack it in the real world. Your brother can do it, why can’t you.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-That-Binds-You/dp/0932194869
This is what I’ve been trying to read since January. It was stolen from me shortly after starting it around Christmas. I bought a new copy and I finished the first half in a few weeks. It’s taken me two months to start the second half. I wonder why. Yet, I cannot ever tell my dad to fuck off again. That was too painful the first time, and my brother and sister still resent me for doing it. I had to make amends to the bastard!
Well Fuck you. I love you, but just leave me the hell alone!
Older women are hot!!
So I just enjoyed one of the best nights of my life. I met up with a friend that I’ve not seen for about 8 years. She’s in her early to mid-40’s, and another friend just turned 50. Both are really attractive, one always has this disheveled look about her that makes you wonder…. As I’m walking up to the group i hear a comment about “who’s this young hottie?” Then the introductions start.
Of course, the main one that wanted to know who I was is OH MY GOD amazing! She was obviously not afraid of the gym, not afraid to be outside, and definitely would look amazing in a bathing suit. She wore a strappy top with another black chemise or whatever they’re called, and shorts. She’s obviously successful. She’s the marketing manager for one of the major beef corporations in Colorado…and she’s vegetarian. Go figure.
So, smart, successful, theater buff, and hot. Wow! I just hope that she tries to contact me, because that would be an awesome evening. To top it off, she taught me to really appreciate scotch. I enjoyed it before…but after tonight, I will think of her each time I order something “neat.”
Queen takes H3, Check!
TaeKwon-Do, therapy and chess all have very similar ideas, strategies and techniques. In each, you have certain moves that you can do. In chess, you have 7 different pieces that have given movements, strategies, strengths and weaknesses. TaeKwon-Do teaches various hand and foot techniques, combination, and strategies that equally have strengths and weaknesses. Some techniques flow together better than others. Therapy, similarly, has strategies, techniques and philosophies, again, that have strengths and weaknesses. For example, you wouldn’t treat a person with anti-social disorder the same as someone who has severe PTSD, it just doesn’t work.
An adept person in any of these three “activities” attempts to read their “opponent” within a few moves. Those first few moments (moves in chess, seconds and exchanges in TKD, and maybe the first ten to fifteen minutes of a session) are critical. Granted, you may miss something, or they may be hiding some secret strategy, weapon, complex, whatever.
It’s funny, I was reading a rating chart for tennis, and it also fits in this category. That’s what I love about individual sports, activities, and competitions. That’s what I love about therapy. You could sit with someone that you think you know, and all of a sudden they throw something that catches you off guard. How you handle that determines your ability.
Today, I had an experience with a client that made this dynamic clear to me. I’ve been playing chess lately, mostly against the computer because I’m not very skilled. I can beat it about 30% of the time…and unfortunately there’s no difficulty setting to make it easier or harder. However, I’ve noticed that the computer tries to make moves that either force, coerce or otherwise misdirect something more devastating. The same thing happens in TKD. Where you look, how you stand and move are all critical factors in “who” you are facing against.
A couple of my clients are trying the same strategy with me. and it happens all the time. This is a learning strategy that we all have. How did we get our needs met? Did we ask mom or dad first, because we knew the responses of each? Did we ask one and then the other? How do we respond to authority in general? I was baffled by some of the guy’s curiosity this weekend, which, on the one hand shows that they are seeing me more as a person and less as an entity. On the other hand, I have to decide how comfortable I am with self disclosure. The most recent string of questions has been about my drug use. I inquired about one guy’s curiosity and he basically stated, “why am I here?” We all have a reason to be in therapy, on both sides of the couch. What am I getting out of this environment?
That’s a damned good question, and one that I didn’t anticipate from someone like this kid: rich, pampered, skater, stoner, hippy, and all of the other labels that can be tagged onto him. He’s also got a lot of aggression in him. He intrigues me the most, because I have various different reactions toward him. Inherently, I don’t trust him, but at the same time, he has a great sense of humor, and he’s convincing as hell. He’s very intelligent, and sometimes irritatingly so. He’s got a lot of talent, physical prowess, and potential. What he lacks is the desire to do anything with himself at this point. But he’s also in his mid-twenties. He wants to live, have sex, drink, party and be who he is. I’d say he’s still in the later stages of Identity development and entering early stages of relational development, according to Erikson’s developmental phases.
I don’t really know how to conclude this blog, other than saying I can’t wait to start working with clients. I know that “being” with another person, or in a group is intimidating, anxiety provoking, and down right insane. But it’s also rewarding as hell knowing that you really got to feel someone else’s experience. Today, it felt great to be told, “I don’t like you,” with honesty and passion. It was great to feel the frustration, and the pressure of not getting what he wanted, of being disappointed. But that I was able to hold that space, not fall into an induction. Not slip into ‘Mate, because I didn’t see what was going on around me.
That’s why I’m going to finish my degree at Naropa. I don’t care if they don’t think I have what it takes. They don’t know me, they don’t know my passion. I just need to practice so they can’t make any assumptions about what I’m able to do.
Bishop takes queen at H3, Check mate.
Another Epiphany
“I believe I just ‘ad an apostrophe! “I believe you mean an epiphany, Smee. “Lightning ‘as struck my brain. “That must have really hurt.” (“Hook” 1991 Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins)
This week has been long, interesting, draining, and only slightly rewarding, despite the various challenges. Yet, I continue to ride the waves, hoping for the next chance to surface. I’m pushing against my boundaries and I’ve realized a couple of things.
My ultimate goal for next week was to take a vacation and visit my mom. I had to cancel that because I don’t really think I can afford it…I’d like to visit her, but I need to look at my budget and not go over. So after agreeing to work an extra overnight shift (that I’ve been avoiding because I don’t want it, I could use the money, but it’s another overnight, and the last one really fucked up my schedule for the next week), I decided that I am going to “run away” despite my available options. Upon deciding that, a slew of options came up: do I not go to TKD, do I avoid work (hell yes), do I try to see friends (preferably), do I just run off by myself?
I realized a couple of things in this process:
1. I’m trying to run from something. I don’t know what it is, but I feel anxious and want to get rid of the anxiety instead of feel it. Perhaps the anxiety has something to do with it being August soon, and instead of getting ready for school, buying books, etc., I’m getting ready for nothing special, buying nothing extra, and not preparing for another stress-filled year.
2. I’ve also been dealing with a lot of rejection. The integration into the work environment has not been as smooth as I’d like. Not only did one of the few people I felt connected to get fired, but since then, (about two weeks after returning to work from an intense retreat), I’ve been dealing with direct and indirect rejection from my coworkers, the participants, and management. I had a review on or around the 12th of May, and I have yet to see my benefits kick in, I’ve not seen the raise I was promised, and things have felt dramatically different. Even though we have weekly group supervision, it’s more directly the bunch of us sitting in a room listening to questions not get answered, frustrations avoided, and no progress really made. I haven’t met with my new supervisor since she told me I had to come to a community meeting back at the end of May.
3. Over the past few weeks I have been dealing with rejection from businesses. It’s not direct rejection, more passive, lets slip things under the table and see if he’ll notice the fine print type stuff…but it feels underhanded and dishonest…which feels similar to how some people use rejection.
By stating that, it brings up something else I noticed last night. I tend to tighten up things at work in an attempt to control that environment. If I feel unsecure, unsafe, or out of control, I feel that if I can tighten up the environment, I will feel better. Not to say that trying to control my environment is a bad thing, but part of my “big” struggle at work revolves around me being “too” tight. With our new supervisor, people have really been commenting on how “tight” I am. I don’t want to loosen up, partly because I don’t want to be seen as the easy one (it really pisses me off when someone tells me I’ve been manipulated. it’s like, no, I wasn’t manipulated, I don’t agree with the new policy, so I tried to be flexible. There’s a difference.
Mixed messages are great, aren’t they?
So, it was mentioned that I appeared “focused” today, and they were curious what was going on. Things don’t feel focused, so I feel I should focus here. My job often feels “easy.” The hardest part is how do I work through and around not getting enough sleep? How do I adjust my schedule so I am able to function throughout the day, not gain a shit load of weight, eat all the time, and not exercise, therefore falling into a melancholy and eventually deep-set depression? I realized that I’ve spent a great deal of my life working and trying to impress other people. I’m really tired of being told I’m not good enough! I’m tired of working my ass off with nothing to show for it. I am an intelligent man, with great insight, intuition, initiative, drive and motivation, however, when I have to function on less than 20 hours of sleep each week, it starts to wear on me. I’m not getting any younger, I’m definitely not any richer, and I realized that I have nothing to show for the last two years of my life. If I were to quit school now, I would be exactly where I started two years ago…nowhere!
What does that mean in the grand scheme of things? That I have to continue jumping through hoops, kissing peoples asses, and eventually, I might eventually reach my goal of being able to work for myself.
I started making jewelry with beads…I wanted to make mala bracelets and sell them. Of course, no one sells beads that have wide enough holes to accommodate a thick enough cord for mala beads, unless you buy really expensive giant beads…in which case, they’re not going to be cheap anymore. I wanted to start selling them for $5 a piece…but it just doesn’t seem feasible at this point.
I realized that in making beads, I am again avoiding. Part of it is avoiding boredom at work. I spend six hours a night alone…for three nights a week. All of my friends are asleep, and the one who is also at work doesn’t ever check his email or get onto Yahoo IM to chat. Ideally, I’d also like to get back into writing, reading and other things…I just haven’t felt motivated enough. Plus, there’s so many more interesting things to do online. Again, it’s avoiding anxiety. But nothing has been satisfying enough to draw me away from the computer. The computer isn’t even satisfying. It’s fleeting. Impermanent.
Yeah, I could meditate for hours. But what would I gain from that? Anyway, it’s 6:15, I should write my logs, clean the house and get ready for my shift to end.
After work Monday, if I haven’t already, I’m going to my friend’s to talk about what needs to happen while I house sit for them over the next week (starting after the 2nd). I wi
Is it really worth the effort?
Also known as: Does customer service exist any more?
Back in high school, we read a play called “Death of a Salesman” by, I believe, Arthur Miller. Basically, the play is about the mid 60s and 70s when traveling salesmen died as an industry. Now, there are occasional companies that have you go around, but for the most part, the traveling salesman is dead. The closest things are companies like CutCo where you call your friends and acquaintances and say, “Hey, I’m selling knives, can I do a demo at your house?” Avon, Pampered Chef and the likes have similar tiered models.
But, sadly, the traveling salesman is in fact dead.
Customer service, something that I’d never thought I would see die, has in fact been slowly kicked to the curb. Computers and the information age have become a cancer to people that want and need free, professional, social interaction, a.k.a. Customer Service. Let’s backtrack about ten, maybe fifteen years ago. Remember a small grocery chain called Cub Foods? Most people don’t, and I don’t know if it was outside of Colorado. However, this mostly organic food store had an innovative idea, lets save the customer some money by having them bag their own groceries. Toward the end of their run (about five, maybe six years ago), they even started using systems called “self scan” where you rang up your own groceries, thus saving even more money.
Now, you go to the grocery store, and not only do you have to bag your own groceries, but you have to ring them up, and stand in line. If you don’t ring them up, you have to wait for the single cashier to bag them up for you. But, the stores don’t give you any discounts for this self service. ??? (just the other day I was reading about diet coke changing it’s advertising scheme to “contains 99% water,” another thing that was laudable five years ago).
So, back to the title. Remember my blog a few weeks ago about the auto parts store? Okay, so a quick reminder…
In Jan I had some repairs done on my car. Of the %1300 or so, there was a $50 part that wasn’t in, but not essential to driving the car. So they released the car saying it’s on order and should be there in a few days. Ocay, so March rolls around, didn’t hear back and so I called them. “What? Who?” Whatever. don’t have time, in the midst of finals, interviews, FLAG meetings, etc. June. I call again, “What? Who? No, you have to drive out of your way 50 miles, buy the part, then drive here another 50 miles and we will take the receipt, your original receipt and we may process the paperwork. Then you come back in a week or so and we may be able to give you the money then, but I’m not sure.” So, naturally, I filed a complaint to the corporate office. I got a call back within 4 hours…talk about response time!
Unfortunately, in the callback, I discovered that the person logging the complaint misinterpreted details (aka facts) to suit something. I cleared up the details while speaking with the district manager. He promised me (two or three times) that he will speak with his best manager and they’ll order a part and send it to the closest store to me. He’ll get right on it, and to call him if I have any questions. He also mentioned that his manager, named Tim, will be calling me back within a few days to get the details.
The next day a guy named Frank called. (Right? Who’s Frank?) Again, the details were messed up and Frank got yelled at by his boss for giving me crappy customer service. I spoke with Frank that night and found out that Two other guys were named as well, but neither were the ones that gave me shitty service. (see, I’m getting worked up). I tell Frank that his district manager has it covered and that he doesn’t need to worry.
This was back in June, did I mention that (you can see the date on the last posting about customer service). Here it is, the end of July…over a month later! Hmm..where’s my part? I should call them and see what’s going on. He said two weeks maximum. Maybe I’ll wait another week.
I called again yesterday. I spoke with Tim (I was supposed to talk to him about a month ago). Tim had no idea what I was talking about and had to call his boss. He called me about two hours later while my car was at the dealership getting recall fixes. Guess what he said…
“I spoke with my boss and he assumed that this had been taken care of in Aurora. He said to have you either go to the dealership and get the part and we’ll refund the money, or you can call Frank and he can order the part.” (Hmm…that’s exactly what I was told back in March, and June…and the exact opposite of what the guy said after the complaint). Can you say, “Bend me over and give it to me with a little lubrication, please!”
To make the pain a little more deep, I’ve been dealing with a similar issue. The other one cost more money and was between my eye doctor and my insurance provider. Stuck between a rock, and a hard place.
Where do I fit in this sea of people? Where is the customer in a consumer industry? Do you ever feel like you’re talking to yourself, thinking that someone is listening…and you’re not insane?
Good luck with that? Is it really worth the effort?
