Why is God Laughing?
So I finished the book, for the most part. I skimmed through the 10 ways to spiritual bliss. However, I think I had the answer to the books “riddle” earlier today. I was watching a TKD testing today and noticed a couple things. For the most part, I was sorely disappointed in the performance of the people today. I recall my attempts at testing, and every one of them was an attempt at being the best I could be on the floor. I remember going to testings and saying to myself, “Damn! I wish I could do that!” or, “Wow! That was amazing!”
Today, the best person on the floor was in his late 40’s or early 50’s, 5′4″ tops, probably 120# and no one gave him a second glance. He was by far the best that I’ve seen him, and I’ve known this guy for most of my career. Yeah, he’s a small guy, but with a huge heart.
It was a small testing, 6 people. I was noting to some of the people that it was shocking having such a diverse range of ranks testing, and it being half over after less than an hour (probably closer to 45 minutes). During the intermission, after the head honchos walked out of the room, I was overcome by a burst of laughter.
“Why are you laughing, sir?” I couldn’t answer his question, however, as I am reluctant to here. See, Ego is a funny thing. Watching people trip over their shoes trying to impress other people. This past year, I’ve been doing just that. Jumping through hoops, kissing ass, and working so damned hard at trying to impress people with abilities that I don’t have. What could I have done differently?
That’s the question, isn’t it? The other day I was working out with a friend, and I asked myself out loud, “Who am I trying to impress?” It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, lifting weights, riding a bike, doing a 360 reverse turning kick, or rolling on the floor. I’m always trying to impress someone. Yet, in doing it, I end up only hurting myself and creating (sorry, getting pissed off at the work mac because the hot keys I’m used to aren’t working!!!) MUCH more work than I need. Who am I trying to impress?
That reminds me of a question I asked myself a couple months ago: What is my fear of success? The two questions are related, in some way. Success and impressions. You see, if I were to be successful, I wouldn’t have to impress people anymore, right? I could just end there…I’m a success, and that’s it. You see, I’m a pretty damned accomplished person. I’m well known internationally, and have made (I really fucking hate macs!! Unfortunately, I’m stuck on this POS for a few hours until I can kick the internet back on…the boss changed the employee password for the network and no one knows it but him)
Back to my accomplishments: So I know a lot of people through TKD. Internationally, nationally, and merely by association. I say a few names, and bam… instant friends. Not only that, I’m also a pretty good martial artist…. or so I’ve been told. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, but I’ve done a lot in regard to TKD, and I’m still growing. That’s the key point. Martial arts are constantly evolving, at least as the individual is concerned. Once someone thinks they are the shit, that’s it. That’s why I believe Bruce Lee, jet Li and Jackie Chan (as well as all of the other big people) would NEVER fight each other to see who’s best. It’s a joke. I’m good. I’m not the best, and I can learn from everyone, even the 6 year old white belt that just walked in the door.
I also have a lot of schooling, and I’m smart. Although I suck at budgeting, I’m great with numbers and love math. I find science interesting, but too rigid for my blood. I love psychology, history, and philosophy because everyone is a master and it’s always evolving.
That’s what I was laughing at earlier. Scientists are elitists. Unfortunately, some people in our federation are turning into elitists. Watching some of my seniors, it was like watching a bunch of starving dogs barking over a dry bone. Unfortunately, what they fail to realize (and this was the point of the book i just finished) is that the “dry bone” has plenty of meat, but we just believe (erroneously) that the bone is dry. The hungry ghost realm (look it up).
God, I should start writing a book. Not that it’d be any good, but I have a ton of friggin ideas, and I’ve not been writing enough. Either that or having written over 500 pages over the past two years of personal experience, reflection, assessment, etc, I’ve opened something in me.
Until next time.
What was I going to write about?
So I’ve had so many ideas to write about on my blog this past week, but I’ve forgotten most of them. Figures right? So a lot has happened in the past week…even the past two weeks. Work related stuff, personal stuff, relationships, all sorts of different events. The most prominent is school and money, which I’m sure is up for everyone these days. Especially the money piece. Needless to say, I’m loving free things…the library especially. Free movies, music and books, all the the click of a button.
At the moment, I’m reading about three books, and I have a bunch more at home that I’m waiting to start. Last week I finished reading a book that i started two-three months ago, but was never able to finish. That book was called The Dragon’s Son, by Margarette Weis. Last week, I was able to finish the DragonVarld Trilogy with The Master of Dragons. Overall it was a really awesome series. I was way more satisfied than after reading the War of Souls trilogy from the DragonLance Series by her and Tracy Hickman. That series was well written, but there were so many spelling and grammar errors I kept losing track of the story. (It didn’t help keep the world alive in the moment, so to speak). However, not only was the DragonVarld trilogy well edited, the story was amazingly well written. I was even able to discern the difference between Margarette’s characterization versus Tracy’s. The third book in the series was intense; she used profanity, sexual references, i mean it was intense. The first book describes a rape scene, which wasn’t overly graphic, but enough so the reader can really envision watching it, as though they were the character. I think she fits up there with Stephen King in her ability to draw the reader into her story/mind.
So, this week I started another book by her. It’s a follow up of the War of Souls called the Dark Disciple trilogy. It’s set in the DragonLance world. For some reason, I don’t like the character of Mina. She just seems so naive, yet oddly…American: greedy, selfish, idealistic, etc. She’s not like Raistlin, her main DragonLance character, and my personal fave (oddly, he ties with Tasslehoff). Raist is troubled, he wants power and recognition, but he also has a hidden soft spot…although he would be the last to admit it. I’m sure Tanis would agree, however (another dark, troubled character), which was why they both respected the other. It’s interesting, most of Margarette’s characters have multiple levels, and you can see the internal struggle. They would be called classic heroes. Whereas, Tracy’s character’s seem…not simple, but less complex. You can really tell that by reading the books she wrote alone, as opposed to the Death Gate books and most of the original DragonLance books.
Another book I’m reading, I’ll be finished by the end of the night, and I started last night. It’s called Why God is Laughing by Deepak Chopra. It’s interesting, but not one of my favorite books. It simplifies Buddhist teachings in a direct fashion through the experience of a “fictional” character. Unfortunately, there are so many lead-ins, that as I’m reading this, instead of thinking of an imaginary character, I’m thinking of Mike Myers. (He wrote the forward, the book is dedicated to him, and the main character’s name is Mickey). I don’t understand the point to the book, but often in fictional non-fiction, the point is implied, but not always revealed until the end. Needless to say, it’s well written, and as I mentioned, it’s a quick read (only about 150 pages).
The other book I’m reading, I’ve been reading for a while. I’ve not really been reading much lately, because it will come with a lot of intense work (and I’ve been drifting to other, less intense reading materials). it is called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. The first parts of the book are really intense eye openers about our society, culture, education, government, and various other elements that create personal shame. A great deal of the other readings that I’ve been doing also hint at shame and the effects shaming behaviors have had on our personal developments as individuals, culture, and society. This book works intensely at working through those dynamics and working through the shame that we often look past and ignore until it looms over us like a towering giant.
Well, I am at work, and I should probably interact with the guys. Maybe I’ll also remember what I was going to write about initially. I also have an email that I sent myself.
If there are things that someone would like to know, or a discussion that could be started, feel free to comment about it.
Taekwon Do Patterns
So, I thought about adding this to a discussion board, but I’m not part of any discussion boards for TKD at the moment. For most of my life I’ve been studying Taekwon Do. It’s been great, and I’ve learned a lot about myself, psychology, life, confidence and various other aspects. However, I’ve also learned that trust isn’t as golden as it’s been taught to me. I believed that I would always have a home in the cold, hard gym that we called a Do Jang, or less formally, The Dungeon. it was the first place that i earned blisters on my feet and loved them. I often looked forward to the loose skin pealing off or cutting them open with first aid scissors and watching the juices ooze out. Unfortunately, that closed down around 2000 and we moved to a different gym, further north, which caused our once huge class to shrink in size dramatically (we went from 2 classes with 20-40 students per class to one class with an average of 15-25 students on a good night). We trained there for a couple years, and things again shifted. Because of the class sizes, teaching wasn’t enough to pay the bills, and so the black belts that weren’t teaching full time were asked to pay dues (a small quarterly due that was in addition to our national black belt dues…something i’d rather see go to the club). Then in 2004 my instructor retired…which was something I never believed to see. He was disappointed in all of the changes that had been occurring through the years since the death of General Choi (and some before his death) in 2002. Essentially, like all organizations, governments, empires, etc, the time of the ITF and USTF was dying. The ITF separated into three large factions, all but one simply named the ITF (there was Choi’s ITF, named after the General’s son, and then there was the “real” ITF, which wasn’t the real ITF, but was ran by some big wig in N. Korea, the third faction, which might also be called the ITF, just to confuse you, is ran by the organization that was formerly ran by the General in Austria. I believe there’s also another organization in Canada, but that may be the Choi ITF). There was, as I mentioned, some national dissent as well. Many of the best instructors began leaving the United States federation over the past 10 or so years. They left for various reasons, none of which I will mention here, because they are all here-say from my perspective (second hand and biased). My own personal opinion, “We shall help build a more peaceful world” by being aware of our actions and impact on other people. There is a time and place for abject reverence and there is a time and place for serious discussions. When Ego becomes involved in any organization, the I tends to win over the We and in essence, the We loses in all aspects. Essentially, the world of Taekwon Do has become more of a political war than a practice of martial training. I believe this also happened with many other forms of martial arts (which is less evident now that it’s more wide spread), but I don’t know because I’ve never trained in another art.
Basically, my desire to train has become less and less intense. I love the art, I love patterns, I love sparring, and I really love breaking, especially when it’s about technique and not about power and strength (however, it’s really awesome that I’ve broken more wood at my competition weight of 165 than one of my bruiser friends at his competition weight, which ranges from 230+ (I broke 7 boards with a side kick and his max was 6 for a while…and that was with a lead leg kick, not a modified version, what he was doing)!
I’m slowly regaining my passion with my new instructor, who integrates many different forms of martial arts, philosophy, science, and study. He also appreciates the diversity that this art and other arts offer each other, and knows the value of various different schools of training. He once talked about going to a seminar that was about nothing but the basics, taught by someone that teaches the same material each time. He said that every time he learns something new at those seminars and usually leaves very satisfied.
Anyway, over my retreat, my homework was to continue to practice. I didn’t find much time to practice between the reading, hiking and sitting that I was doing, but I did practice some. More of what I did with TKD was examine the patterns. I looked for various patterns and ways to remember the 1009 moves and sequences of the 25 different patterns (of which I know 22). in my research I found some interesting, if not disorienting things.
One of the ways I go through patterns is by counting the moves. Each pattern has a designated number of moves and a diagram that must be followed. Granted, they aren’t perfect, but they are pretty damned close. One of the things I love about patterns is that the goal is to perfect the imperfectable. I realized that that was more true than I realized.
Out of those 25 patterns, 7 do not count all of the moves. They vary in range from one additional move up to 8 moves that aren’t counted. Most have one or two moves that “slip” in an additional step or so. I believed that there was some pattern to this as well, but even that proved to be false. (maybe in another post I’ll go through the various sequences and show how they are different and how they are similar).
Also, something that confused me as a II Dan (degree) was that up until this point, the diagrams made sense. Most of them were symmetrical top and bottom, and therefore didn’t matter which way you looked at them. There were 3 patterns that were not symmetrical but they fit, the direction you were facing was the direction that the diagram went in. However, at II Dan, three of the four (including a pattern that is no longer considered an official ITF pattern) patterns are not symmetrical, and all three of them are flipped. The direction you start and finish is not the direction that the pattern diagram is described. Confusing…to say the least. And there’s no explanation to this phenomenon. The remaining patterns that follow are all symmetrical and therefore it is undetermined if they fit this pattern or not.
Some tools to help remember the next move:
There are many “patterns” within the different patterns to remember what comes next…or more spcifically, what height things are executed at…because what comes next is a little harder to lay out. It would be interesting to examine how many different sequences are used, and what specific techniques are used with what, but that’s something for down the road. Disclaimer: These tips are only for “traditional” Chang Hon style patterns created by General Choi, Hong Hi.
Color belt pattern tips:
How high do I kick
- All side kicks in the color belt patterns (Chon Ji-Chong Moo) are middle section. All side kicks from a bending ready stance have a simultaneous high punch executed with the kick. The final two side kicks in Chong Moo also have punches with them (but not the ones in Joong Gun).
- All front kicks following a middle hand technique (single or double) are done low.
- All front kicks following a high hand technique (single or double) are done middle.
- All turning kicks (except the last one in Choong Moo) are done high section.
- The only back kick is middle.
How do I step to return to my ready position?
- All color belt patterns, except Chong Moo step against the motion of the last series of movements. For example if you are moving toward A (the right side) you would step toward B to return to ready.
- Chong Moo steps with the motion, which is also true for most of the black belt patterns.
- All patterns, excluding the next four, the opposite foot that stepped into the last stance moves into ready position, for example: if the left foot steps into the last stance, the right foot will step into ready position.
- Chon Ji, Dan Gun, and Choong Moo all move the left foot on the last move, and the left foot steps back to ready position
- Toi Gye’s last move is done by stepping the right foot, the right foot also moves back to ready postion
Black belt patterns are a little more complicated, as there are more of them.
Computers…
So last week I thought I made a breakthrough discovery regarding my habits/behaviors. Since school’s let out (and actually before, if you want to be technical), I have spent way too many hours playing computer games. Granted, I’ve also finished a couple books, some of which have been pretty intense (see early blog regarding Iron John [link to be added later]. I’ve also been watching a shit load of movies. But then again, what red-blooded American doesn’t spend at least 4-6 hours watching TV/movies?
I have a tendency to really look at my behavior as less than, should be better, I could do more, etc. But then, in all reality, I watch much less TV than most people, I stay way more informed, and even though I have been spending about 20 hours/week on the computer (just in gaming hours), I’ve also been riding my bike a lot (60 miles this week between Monday and Thursday…), yoga once per week, and I made it to my TKD class this week (first time since I’ve been back…it’s been a struggle and I don’t know what the resistance is…I love class).
Okay…first thing: Honesty! I just wrote that I don’t know what the resistance to going to class is about…which is not true. Ever since i recognized that I had resistance, I started looking at it. I’ve also been making excuses, which led me to believe that there’s resistance. How many addicts have that much awareness about their behaviors? I just want to make certain that I am honest with my readers, and therefore, honest with myself. To thine own self be true.
Okay, back on the subject. Computer games. So shortly after returning I purchased a couple computer games. One of the games I knew would be finished in a matter of days. It was the expansion to NeverWinter Nights II (which I have to admit was pretty interesting). Unfortunately, I never really got into the first one, so the expansion was hard to get into as well. I think creating the modules and discovering the scripting language was more fun than playing the game. The other two games (well more of a series of games) I purchased was the Battle for Middle Earth set (which came with the first game, as well as BfME II and the expansion). It seemed exciting…living the movies, except, which often occurs in RTS games, the difference between easy and moderate is so amazing (needless to say the only way to train for online play is to play hard…which requires far too much patience). Between my computer crapping out and losing dozens of troops in a matter of minutes, I finally (after about 2 weeks) finished the first game. Great. Then I started playing the second game.
After a couple matches I realized something. This game does nothing but piss me off. Yet I continue playing it, even after the time I allowed myself. I have to literally pull myself away, or stumble away so exhausted that I slur my words, only to realize that I’ve been playing for close to eight hours!
On the other hand, I’ve also been playing Hellgate: London. This is the latest version of Diablo, in which London (in the future, I believe 2025), and the rest of the world, presumably, is taken over by demons. Not only do I enjoy playing the game…a lot. But I also feel a sense of saturation and satisfaction. I can easily set goals in the game and say, “when I meet this goal, I’m done for the day.” I also succeeded in not playing the game for four days this past week (which is a record for me over the past few months/years/etc). Some days are more difficult than others, mostly depending on what happens throughout the day (for example, last Wed I believe i played for almost 8 hours…), but there was a reason for that.
The sad thing about all of this game time? The fact that certain components of my computer are starting to crap out…namely the video card and CPU. Fortunately, thanks to not owning a Mac (and building my own computer), I can purchase those parts (about $200/each) individually and install them myself (I’d prob get some help w/ the CPU). I also figure that I have another 6 mo to 2 years left for the vid card and another 2-3 yrs for the CPU. unless I crank up the graphics and insist on playing 6-10 hours/day. (it’s been doing better w/ 4 hours intervals…). As for my laptop…i sometimes want to throw it out the window its so damned slow…but that could also be another story.
The Last Run
“The Last Run” a motion picture with Fred Savage (I believe circa 2007).
I don’t know what inspired me to watch this film. I added it to my queue on NetFlix (available for online viewing) within the past few weeks. I finally watched it last night because it was the appropriate length and seemed entertaining. This was after having started and not liked (or finished) two other movies. Needless to say my expectations were high enough to want something reasonably entertaining, but not high enough to want a blockbuster.
I was reasonably impressed. I still don’t think that Fred is a good actor, and whoever writes the script includes way too many internal dialogs (I thought that word was spelled differently…for some reason). So many that it reminded me of the “Wonder Years,” except it was his voice doing the talking this time. Again, with my expectations low, I enjoyed the movie. Mostly because it was a topic that I’ve been interested in through research, experience and discussion. Basically, the premise of the story is that he’s a successful accountant living in Beverly Hills. He kicks his “trophy” girlfriend to the curb after discovering that she’d been cheating on him for some time. He looks to his friend for dating advice and becomes a sexual addict. The movie shows his life as it spirals out of control; he gets fired, most of his credit cards are canceled, he pawns, sells, or loses most of his furniture (and somehow ends up with an apartment that costs only $300 in BH!!!), and yet continues to pay $2000+/week for prostitutes, strippers, and various other sexual activities.
It ends with a semi-happy ending, but the movie really expresses how devastating sexual addiction can be; similar to hard-drugs and other substances. It also expresses how easy it is to become involved in this lifestyle, and how difficult it is to alter that behavior. The director (more-so than Fred) do a great job of showing the “cravings,” even when he is in a position where he “doesn’t” want to have sex. It seems to go a little overboard at some moments, and the side story of his friend can be confusing at some moments (I thought he was married the whole time, but half-way through the movie they celebrate his engagement party). Going back to the ending, there seemed to be many things left unsaid, as they either ran out of time, energy or something to wrap up the various side stories that they opened throughout.
Overall, based upon NetFlix standards, I’ll probably give it 4 stars, but it really only deserves 3.5. The acting is mediocre at best, and sometimes overdone. The plot goes in random circles, and leaves too many things unsaid, assumed, or implied (sometimes later revealing that your assumptions were incorrect), and the saving grace, a 9 year-old kid, uses more profanity in his 15 minutes of screen time than is seen throughout the movie, leaving a hugely negative impression of young black children (the only diversity seen in the movie besides this character is a stripper/prostitute and a friend of the main female role that I thought was the stripper, who had more lines). However, if you can put those aside (along with the two main character’s obvious chauvanism/objectification issues), it’s not a Must See, but it’s a “really should see.”
Okay, so, it’s probably closer to a 3…but who’s counting.
